“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Anais Nin
I realized recently that I was still carrying a piece of that in the bud person with in me. Though I have made huge strides over the last few years there was still the part of me who wanted to hide in the shadow. Avoid discomfort, conflict, or just plain speaking my mind.
The thing about that little bud, that “little part of me”, that I was carrying inside was that sometimes I relied on it too much. I used it as a way to hide, to step back, and to not let my feelings be heard. By not allowing myself to do all of those things I was not protecting myself.
And the cycle of not protecting myself had really bad consequences for my self-esteem. And for my body.
You see when I was not protecting myself and standing up for myself my body was feeling the effects. It was feelings the effects of the wave of emotions that came up while my mind was pushing it logically away. My stomach was in an uproar and my body was feeling anxious because I was not following my natural instinct to protect myself.
This came to light recently when I realized a website was posting personal information about my business and myself. This information had been supplied on a form I had filled out years ago and the company it was affiliated with no longer existed. However this website posted the information as a way to promote itself. It’s a search engine thing that I won’t even bother getting into.
Needless to say when I saw the site I had a full range of emotions from anger to fear. I felt violated. I felt victimized. I felt I had no control over who can see my personal information. I felt scared and started creating all kinds of doomsday scenarios.
Then I did what a lot of us women do: I talked to my husband about it. We located a contact number for the site and my husband suggested I call the next day. My immediate response was: you do it. Why did I say this? That was my hide “little me” talking. My alter ego who wanted to avoid conflict at all costs even if that meant victimizing myself in the process. I wanted someone else to do the protecting for me.
It feels weird to even write that since on a daily basis I view myself as an extremely forward thinking, very independent women who doesn’t like to be told what to do. But I let myself give the power to him in the moment and said to myself “I’ll sleep on it”.
The next morning without even a minute of thought I realized I had to make the call. I needed to make the call. This was about my safety, I had to give myself the power back and believe that I could handle it. I had to protect myself. Of course the person did not answer but I left a very clear and detailed message listing the fact that the information was no longer valid and my concerns about my personal safety. I did not ask for the information to be removed, I TOLD him to remove the information and call me when it was done.
Well I never received a call, but within 24 hours my profile on the site was removed. When I looked at the site and realized this I was surprised at how easy it had been. How I had wanted to avoid sticking up for myself. How there was still a part of me that wanted to hide and didn’t fully believe in me.
The thing is that the more you do for yourself the more the real you shows up. And the more that happens the less the “little” comes forward. Why? Because they know they are safe.
I am sharing this with you because I want you to know that now matter how much self “work” you do with yourself, there will always be these “imperfect”, vulnerable parts of you that resurface. And that’s okay. They are here for you to learn from and grow from. Just listen and you’ll know exactly what to do with them.